so someone close to me inadvertently introduced me to this song and I can't help but think of shane when I hear the lyrics (beautiful and hits close to home, btw).
What really hits me when I think of Shane is not a doubt of the institution of love, or the fact that I haven't loved anyone since. It's more than that. It's the absolute doubt that I'll ever let anyone love me again. There are good people everywhere- really, there are (and the opposite of course, fair share of those around. ha.). But somehow, the guys I start dating end up being one of those good guys- good to their friends, family, love animals, ambitious and well schooled- but when it comes to me... it's almost as if-- I end up not mattering. I feel like I never let myself become important to them. I push the buttons that I know push them away- because really, I'm not sure I want to share myself with someone. Well, I know I do, and yet...
Some of it is fear- just the plain and simple fear of being rejected by someone I truly want to love me. But theres more. I'd say one of the biggest is knowing that no matter who I end up with, they'll never have known my dad- which seems strange to me because he would hate thinking that something that included him was holding me back in anyway. Another is the fact that I always fall for friends who don't think of me that way- except in the shane case. I always seem to like the wrong one. There's another song by Stars- Elevator love songs... the lyrics- "my eyes cast low and i dont know how to love...". I feel like that's true- I know how to care for people and I know how to comfort- I may even know how to love someone else- it's the letting them love me that seems really hard for me.
Anyways, Shane is getting married in two weeks and I'm the "best man". And I'm not upset about it at all. I'm more upset that I haven't found anyone- at all- not just the one. I feel like- I'm a good person, really. I have a good job, good ambitions, good ideas. It's funny how amazing a person can be and still feel empty sometimes. But a weird empty- the kind of empty where you know you have a full life, but there's a whole somewhere that you can't quite identify, let alone fill. I dont know- rereading- all of this sounds really down and depressing- but I'm not either- more like full of self-scrutiny.
Basically- I really like the band stars too.
