Calm in the Storm

It is incredible to me how far we all have come. I look around at my friends and family and I'm amazed at how old their children are, how mature (ie OLD) we've gotten, and the amazing life stories everyone has now. My own changes every few months and lately, I've felt like I live in a constant flux. For those of you who are my Facebook friend, I apologize for the constant onslaught of photos and updates. But with friends and family all across the world, sometimes I feel like that's the only way I have to reach out to everyone.

So let's begin.

This semester of medical school has been a mixture of 80 hour weeks and entire months off. I spent July studying for the 2nd section (out of 3) of my licensing exam. August and September I was in the hospital almost constantly doing internship-level hours and work (loved it!). October... I can't even remember. I literally have no idea what I did for the entire month of October. Moving on.

November was a challenging month for me. I spent the month in the Intensive Care Unit and traveling for interviews. It was like going back and forth between seeing my entire life in front of me and watching other lives fade to a close. Actually fade makes it seem more sweet than it was. There were pages in the middle of the day, CPR administered, struggling to balance the intensity of the surroundings and the details of what's occurring, the delicate balance of giving information but not hope to the families. I lost two patients in my first 48 hours and I hadn't even had time to learn their names, meet their families. It makes every other patient's case that much more of a light in the day of a doctor bogged down by the realities of death and the understandable naivety of hopeful family members. All I can say is no one expects to die, so please get your affairs in order and talk to your family members about what you want, no matter how old you are.

Opposing that, interviews were amazing. The juxtaposition of these two times in my life was tangible, like a slap in the face. To go from the ICU to flying to NC/CO/WA for an interview... it was surreal. I flew all around the country to some of the best Family Medicine programs in the country [Update: I decided to go into family medicine!]. Choosing to do a lot of interviews was financially burdensome, yet ultimately the best choice. Not only do I feel more confident in my decision to stay in Amarillo [Update: I want to stay in Amarillo, it's my #1 ranked program], but it build my confidence in myself. Going to places like University of Washington and Oregon Health and Sciences University was amazing- I was literally interviewed by some of the best programs in the country, some of the smartest people, and some of the most progressive people in the field of Family Medicine... and they wanted me there. It's unbelievable to me- someone who BARELY got into medical school, who was scared I had forgotten how to study/learn, who was terrified that I was too old to go back to school.  It made me feel (yet again) like this is where I belong, strengthened my resolve. 

UW is my number two place, rank-wise. I loved Seattle. I loved the program and the people. And oh my God if the Pacific Northwest isn't the most beautiful place in the world, then I'm wrong about everything. But in the end, I grew up far away from family, and I just dont want to do that to myself. Mom is turning 68 this year and while she is healthy, I cannot stand the idea of being far away if the unexpected occurs. Another issue... once I started discussing political activism with the UW faculty, I had the sudden realization that I wouldn't be representing Texas anymore. And I definitely didn't like that feeling. So it turns out I am much more of a Texas girl than I ever would have believed.

Pictorial Interview Summary (the pictures are winding, like my life):

North Carolina was gorgeous.

Ran into some friends on the interview trail...

Ft Collins, CO was fun and festive.

And I fell in love with the Seattle and Pacific Northwest again...

Portland and OHSU were amazing as well...

And I ate some of the most amazing food in the world.

Multnomah Falls, OR... I'd go back a million times.

Seriously Kim deserves an award for humor. And gift giving ;)

Also during this time, I turned 28. I still feel like I'm 18, but with a drastic increase in wisdom and knowledge... and a hard earned sense of humility. Geez, life can really show you who you actually are. Yet again though, I was reminded how awesome the people in my life are. I am truly blessed by the people in my life. Bruce and Rick say I attract good people - I don't know about that, but I hope it never changes.

Dawn - a new but permanent addition.

Cole and Miranda... keeping it real.

The boys love LOVE karaoke.

John can't dance to country to save his life- but he makes me happy :)

The residents in AMA will change your life. No really.

This girl. I can't say enough. Catalina, my Colombian love!

In December, I took the entire month off.  Mom and I went to Japan to see my brother and his family during a time of celebration for them. My brother Scott has been in the Navy for more than 25 years and just finished an 18 month assignment as Commander of the USS Lassen. He's being promoted to the Afloat Training Commander in January and it's a good move for him; high level of responsibility, politically important position where he gets to work with the Japanese navy as well. Overall, it's a good move for him and something we're all excited about for him. AND we got to see Sonja, Stormie, AND Skye and Milissa... first time to meet Milissa despite them having been married almost two years. Seriously, it had been too long all around.

I want to do a separate post about Portland- I spent about 4 days there and it was amazing.  I'll probably do one with more details about Japan, as well. Just trying to let everyone know that I love you all and I miss everyone. So much has happened, I don't mean to leave anyone out. Know that I love you and send me a photo of us if you have one.

As per usual, either respond to this or respond to my email and update me with what is going on in all of your lives. I know it's a corny way to keep up with everyone, but I LOVE hearing about your lives. And there have been some major changes for many people in my life- I can't wait to hear about it all!

Amarillo

I wish I could say that I have a good reason for not updating everyone before now... but I dont feel that is entirely true. I may be busy, but I'm not THAT busy. So- I'll do my best to update quarterly like I promised at the beginning of this journey.

I've officially been in Amarillo for 8 months now. Extra-quick summary: I've completed my Internal Medicine, OB/GYN, Psychiatry, and Surgery rotations (crazy, right?). I found a church that is now a home. I've made some amazing friends. I'm still teaching/coordinating the class on global health and development. I'm still active in the community- planning a health fair for kids in the Amarillo area- got a grant for it and everything!

Amarillo... beautiful and flat

So let's start with career. I'm truly enjoying medical school. The hours are long, the people are tough, the patients range in character, and the tests are HARD. But I love it so much, I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel to be here. I still feel like an idiot sometimes, but I am 100% certain this is where I am supposed to be... and nothing feels better than knowing I'm fulfilling my calling. I'm currently leaning towards general internal medicine. I loved OBGYN (but the hours and malpractice costs make it completely unappealing to me), hated psychiatry (just not for me), thrived in surgery (see comments for OBGYN)... but internal medicine has the patients that I love the most. It's hard because many of them- especially at a teaching hospital- are low income and have self-inflicted issues, like COPD secondary to smoking. But I love them. I love encouraging them, lifting them up, and motivating them to change all while managing so many problems (from health to social to emotional and how all of those blend into one) at once.  Anyways- at least I finally have an idea of what I will be going into. 

Church... I cannot say enough about the people I have met through Redeemer Amarillo, the community that church has blessed me with, and the connection that I've found there. The pastor blows me away sometimes. My community group is an art based group- every quarter (approximately), we design a big project that we then paint/draw/macrame into creation and the church lets us display it in the lobby. The people in this group are the epitome of kindness and light. My heart swells just thinking about them. From Melvin, my 73yr old adoptive father, to 19 yr old Sawyer, the hippy artist that reminds me of someone I used to be, to Seth and Katie- the honorable and gracious couple that guide and feed our group every week, Kim and Paul who make life so much more fun and tolerable and who are now indespensible to me... it's my second family. I liked Lubbock- had bonds there. But this feels different... this is completely different. It's a love for people that you dont feel frequently outside of your family. I cannot even begin to express the connection I have with these people. 

Kim and I

Kim and Aaron making 100,000 muffins

The women of Redeemer Art Nerds

Our Christmas project

Friends...  first, see above. My art group is amazing. I actually also attend a single ladies group- and these girls make me laugh so much. My roommate has truly grown into his role as great friend to me, as well. John and I get along so well that people dont even understand it. We just get each other and we love each other. It's a great roommate experience. We will be living together again next year and are actually sad that we will be spending  months away from each other. I love having friends like that in my life. I made a new friend at church recently, Cole. He is one of those additions to your life that once in, feels like it's been there forever. Amarillo has taught me there are good people everywhere. 

John and I

Cole at Chickfila on kids night :)

Global health...  I'm still coordinating the class. Funny story! We were supposed to have our fake patient interviews (a fake patient pretends to have an infectious disease and my students have to interview them and diagnose them), but it turns out the Amarillo weather had different plans- like the second largest blizzard in the history of Amarillo. Nineteen inches of snow. Yeah, 19 inches. It was crazy. Anyways, the class is coming to an end and I'm going to miss it. As I've mentioned in previous posts, global health is my thing, it's the thing that steals my attention and makes my heart race. I'm actually going back to the Unite for Sight 2013 Global Health & Innovations Conference. I went last year and I dont think I will miss going to an event like this for the rest of my life. There are groups out there that motivate me beyond belief and that are truly making such drastic differences in people's lives. I'll try and share some of their stories sometime.

Kids health fair- I applied for a received a grant through Texas Medical Association Foundation to host a health fair targeted at improing the health and safety of children at home. It's all about education and awareness. and I'm really excited about it. It makes me realize that I will always care about community- even when I'm stressed and frustrated with it all... it's still important enough to me to make it a relative priority. I want my family to be involved, I want my children to grow up knowing the importance of community support and development and of volunteering. Anyways- I'm excited about the health fair and now that I've found a location, I cannot wait to start the process of recruiting and organization.

There are other aspects of me that have changed, as well. Yet more walls that have come down. More hope for family in the future. More willingness to let people in. As of right now, no one fills the romantic spot in my life. I'm hoping that will change in the next couple of years. I'm completely out of control of my future- where I go, what city it will be in - for residency. It's like an arranged marriage- you just hope it works out for the best. Maybe part of that arrangement will be an even bigger step in life. Who knows.

Ok, I think that is enough for now. Needless to say, I'm doing well. I'm loving life. I miss my family so much. From Corbin turning 2, to Adan getting engaged, to Michael (a friend of mine) moving in with my mom... I feel like I'm missing so much. But I hope you all know that I love you so much and I think of you often.

And to leave you with... some pics of Belize :)

why yes, that is a GIANT starfish.

One of the most amazing women in my life
and truly a best friend... Liz

Our villa

The view from the balcony...
why yes, you should vacation with us.

Half an MD

So much to say.

So many things have happened in what feels like such a short amount of time.

First, I am done with the basic sciences section of medical school. Translation- I've finished the first two years of medical school and completed the part of the US Medical Licensing Exam relevant to that material. I haven't gotten my score yet - and I probably wont tell anyone when I do :) But there's this huge sense of relief, a through-and-through, soul lifting, mood changing, life altering sense of having a monumental weight lifted from my shoulders and I can just come back to being myself and not some stressed out medical professional. The experience was interesting in multiple ways. One, it's amazing how much stress the human body and mind can tolerate. Alternatively, it's equally amazing what that level of stress can do to your body and mind. Next, I'm happy to know that I'm not a raving lunatic jumping down everyone's throat even when I'm stressed beyond belief. Hopefully, I can maintain that when I'm sleep deprived, also. Get ready to experience that! :)

Two, I'm moving away from Lubbock. TTUHSC splits it's medical school class up to surrounding West Texas communities- some go to Amarillo (like me), some go to Midland/Odessa, and the rest stay in Lubbock in an effort to provide medical professionals to the surrounding, underserved areas. Surprisingly (most of all to me), this is going to be a somewhat difficult transition despite the excitement of moving forward in my training. I've made some amazing friends here, both in and out of medical school. I've established strong professional connections through the County Medical Society and with the school administration via teaching for the Global Health Elective. I've found a church that I adore, which is very rare for me. I've come into myself a little and been able to admit some defeats and tear down some walls (HUGE for me). And while I'm excited about the opportunities I am being presented in Amarillo, I now have a little soft spot for Lubbock.

Mornings at home.

Alternatively, I've been home for only two days and am reminded exactly how much of a water person I am. The sound of the cicadas in the morning, the bullfrogs and lightening bugs in the evening, the humidity, the back-porch sitting, the heat (also described as a southern summer night...). We bought fishing poles that I have every intention of breaking out today and the kayak is just waiting to go in the water. I just love being closer to nature, able to interact with it personally. Makes me very happy.

Green, water, & flowers? Paradise.

We leave for Belize on Friday. I cannot tell you how excited I am about that- 5 days of beaches, SCUBA, and all around relaxation. I wish I could take everyone I know with me that way I could actually see everyone I love in the week and a half that I have off, but it doesn't work that way and unfortunately, I'm not going to get to see everyone. I had intended on driving all over TX to see everyone, but it turns out my sweet little car had different plans. So while she's getting some work done, I'm in Dallas just enjoying the ride. I'll post pictures of Belize soon.

I got to work with patients a lot more this year, shadowed a doctor I respect very much (Dr. Brad Snodgrass is amazing if you live in LBB). From patient interaction to professionalism to the ins-and-outs of running on office, it was a very exciting experience for me. I was able to complete full exams on patients and present their cases... I even got to do my first full mini-Mental (just another exam). It's just... it's so much more real now, that this dream I've had for so long is getting so much closer to becoming my reality.  Yikes. [Am I ready??]

Thanks to LBB, I've added a few new lifelong friends to the list. People who get me, see me in ways I haven't experienced before. I love how much other people can make life  so much more pleasant, more appealing, more important. I can't thank you all enough for that. The people here have helped me get through medical school without losing my sanity (thus far). Love!




Ok, so basically I love you peeps. I'm busy but miss you. I may not get to see you, but I think of you.

Spring in Lubbock

I'm consistently amazed by the ways in which Lubbock can surprise me. From meeting some of my new life-long friends to getting exposure/opportunities I would not have gotten elsewhere, to HOW GREEN it is right now... I feel like there's always something popping up. Then again, maybe I'm just getting older, time is flying by, and my memory is going- so every time I stop and look up, my mind just gets excited. Either way- it is deliciously green in some parts of the city right now and I could not be happier about it.

I miss green- and water. As much as I love it here, I could never live here forever. I'm babysitting one of my favorite physician's dogs right now - and she has the most beautiful back porch and yard. Big trees, lots of green grass. I have spent so much time on the back porch- it reminds me of home (with one gaping hole... the lake :/ ). I was talking to Joe yesterday about how when I look at myself objectively, I'm always amazed to see how you grow into yourself... how you begin to really define and sharpen exactly what it is you want from life, what you can take, what you're willing to put up with, and the exact end goal that you want for yourself. It's interesting to watch yourself grow into you.

On a different note, I've been preparing a lecture on Uganda this last week. The lecture is going to be great and I used this new website, prezi.com - to make my presentation- so it looks amazing. The more I got into the history of Uganda and starting reading about the cycles of dictatorships they have had, the more thankful I am for being a US citizen. The typical idea spread about African people isn't true- they aren't hopeless or dependent- in fact, they're quite ingenious and resourceful - but the situations they go through when it comes to government or warfare is terrifying. Even if I was over there, I would never understand because- I can always come home. I have the ability to come back, to leave. I'll never understand it the way they do. I am excited about this presentation- because it is a mix of all of the aspects of global development that I love. Reconciliation tactics, infrastructure development, local & sustainable initiatives, etc. Of course, I am not presenting on all of that- longest lecture ever- but doing the research and mapping things out for me is so ... motivating.

I have been thinking a lot about my Nicaragua mission recently (see previous posts). It might be because I'm babysitting the doctor's dog/house that took me, but I also feel a tugging at the motivation and ideas I had when I came back from Jinotega. I mentioned that I would discuss my reservations, etc that I had from the trip- I bet you didn't think I meant almost a year would go by.

Sophia

My number one... hesitation? concern?... about Nicaragua was this- when we arrived/left, I met all kinds of people in the airport. Surfers, people seeing their Nica family on vacation, etc. But overwhelmingly, the majority were US church groups going on mission trips with plans that include both development (like well building/health clinics) and conversion. I love God and I love development, so I'm sure some are wondering where I'm going with this- but the thing that struck me the most, was how disorganized the whole shindig was. Here we have hundreds of people entering the country with plans of going to this city, or that city, to do one thing or another- but there's no overarching organization. They could be building wells in the same city or having health clinics right next to each other and they'd never know it until they were all set up. Everyone goes around the government for the most part- and with good reason as even in relatively stable countries, corruption can be rampant, anything from bags full of medicine never arriving to important machinery having to be bribed through customs. But my frustration was that there's no central 'clearinghouse' of sorts for information on what areas need the most attention, and what type of attention. There is no reference for where people are acting.

Las Quebradas, Nicaragua

Now, I understand how practically unfeasible this idea is. How much man power it might take to get up and running- or how much status I'd have to have to get the big organizations like the IRC to use it. But think about it- if there was something that listed the dates, locations, mission plans, etc for every organization/church etc in the area- we could see which areas of the population were getting the least amount of help, see who needed additional supplies or where there was already an established well so that you can help maintain them for the communities. I can't tell you how many stories of- oh, they had a well but now it's contaminated/broken - I heard. I know it's a safety concern. So there would still have to be some overarching vagueness but it's just so interesting to think about what could be done if we all worked cooperatively instead of just simultaneously.

This idea is something I've been discussing with Liz... we're going to start brainstorming. So if anyone has any ideas, please feel free to leave them.

As for actual medical school, I'm still doing well. My motivation levels are tanking, esp when I get distracted by global health stuff- which just dominates my mind and sends me into that focused place where people can be talking to you and you don't even hear them. But I think my two weeks of haze are wearing off and I'm coming back into my medical school is #1 line of thinking. I worry about STEP 1, which I take June 11th. Liz, mom and I are trying to plan a vacation- I want to go diving in Belize for about a week. Then I'll travel through TX trying to see every family member I can. Then it'll be back to Lubbock to move every thing I own to Amarillo before orientation for rounding starts. I'm super excited about that. Finally some hands on/working with people type of learning. Everyone says I'll love it. I hope they're right :)

Love to family and friends. You make life worthwhile.

The Funeral

I'm not sure if I'm simply doing really well with grandma's passing or if it just hasn't hit me yet. I'm leaning towards just doing well. Logically, I know that her body wasn't going to make it much more- and emotionally, I was able to see her while she was healthy a lot more- especially after she moved in with mom- so I was able to enjoy her towards the end, which I wasn't expecting. I hated seeing her in pain/unhappy and her downhill progression was so fast- the thought of her having to stay in hospice for a long time makes me shiver with... disgust?... I can't seem to find the right tone of word for that sentiment.

I consider grandma a little like myself- she was stubborn, strong-willed, but a care-taker... not a care-getter. The idea of having to be... well, I'd like to be able to use the facilities on my own for the rest of my life... and I know grandma would have hated that, too. [Then again, who wouldn't.]

The service was quite nice. It was a mix of traditional and contemporary- opened with prayer and her pastor speaking, but included about an hour of story telling from people in the audience. The family went first- my mom talked about the last few months of her life, my uncle Jim, cousins Bruce and Joey, myself, my aunt Betty - then a few others- her garden club members, Cecil- who grew up with the family, Bill Andval - also grew up with the fam and was one of my mom's ex-boyfriends from what must seem like a different lifetime!, Don Mallard- on old neighbor, and a few other people I know I'm leaving out.

As I was driving around with mom trying to think of what story I would tell, what experience I would share- I came to realize that I dont have many one-on-one Grandma stories. This unsettled me a little but I realized something so overwhelmingly true and obvious that it was almost overlooked in my mind, a constant in all of our lives with grandma... She made it her priority to create an environment in which the people she loved were able to grow and thrive. Everything about the house that her and grandpa built screamed family and fun. They cleared that land, built the house, and added on as new lives were added to the Maker clan. They added a boat house that a variety of family members used during different stages in their lives.
Grandma made a huge breakfast every morning for generations of her family. She was a caretaker for those who needed it - from the elderly to the injured. She took in/fed stray animals like it was her job. We had an environment built for exploration, personal development, and family strength. We played games as a family after dinner was cleared. We watched TV together. We went on the roof to look at stars, the river, the island, etc- together. We even bird watched or had target practice from the boathouse porch... together. I have so many memories of all of us together having such a great time.
She gave away everything she had- and that's not an understatement. From money to time, she was always making sure others were well. Her time was for reading after the kids were asleep or the garden club/gardening in our yard. Grandpa built such a beautiful greenhouse for her at home and she had a gorgeous yard. Flowers, trees, greenery, and fig trees.
There's so much- I hope to be able to write down some of the stories before people start forgetting.

My cousin Bruce- grandma's sixth "son"- as most everyone at the funeral agreed, wrote the most beautiful statement. I've included it here (hope you dont mind, Brudy) because it was so touching, raw, and so defining of who she was.

"Ive read that unconditional love is important to a person’s growth as a functioning and happy adult. Knowing someone loves you all the way, unconditionally and how that will never change. A child needs this.

I always knew that my grandmother loved me unconditionally. She told me I was smart. She told me I was handsome. She spanked me on the butt when I needed it. She cried at my terrible 16 year old poetry. She always took my side when people were against me. She was so in tune with my emotions at times I felt like she could read my mind.

As I grew older I began to search out my own answers to life. Of course I separated from some of her beliefs. I realized every mentor and adult I grew up with was human and trying to figure things out too.

Yet I never forgot what she did for me. She helped me to become an adult by offering herself 100% to me as a child. She was the textbook definition of what all good parents are. My structure, my disciplinarian, my safe harbor and my biggest fan.

And it wasn’t just me that she gave so much to. I watched her nurse numerous people to a peaceful passing in that same room in the old house on Lakeside Drive. I never quite understood why anyone would want to take on those burdens… but few people are as selfless as she was.

So I owe a lot of my development to her. I know many people here have been touched deeply by her too. I look forward to hearing new stories and insights from the people here today.

Her passing should be a reminder to us all. Life is short. Very very short. (avging 28,000 days give or take). I had a philosophy professor say that he believes he became an adult when he lost his brother. He said he started making decisions with the understanding that his time is limited. That stuck with me.

And I believe the real meaning lies in the relationships with the people around you. Your family. Your friends. Your neighbors. We’re all in this together and trying to figure it out too. Because of my grandmother I think I have a more clear picture of what life is about. Its loving something more than you love yourself. Its giving your energy and time selflessly to the people you care about. Its savoring those moments with the understanding that they are limited.

So while I am sad she is gone, I know that she is free from the earthly body that she was bound to. She has taken that next step into a place that none of us can say we understand with certainty. But I believe that someone who has loved and given of themselves to so many like she did has absolutely nothing to fear. Thanks Grandma, we love you and we’ll see you soon."

I'm so thankful to be a part of a family so based on wonderful people and strong character. While we're all sad that grandma left us, it's a sadness of selfishness- for we miss her character and presence while knowing that her vessel was decrepit and her soul ready to depart. We instinctively know that she goes to a better place to be with a husband to whom she dedicated 56-years... would have been more but his body gave out early. Now we know that the sorrow she carried from his death is alleviated, that she knew each of her children are well enough to no longer require her presence, and that she looks towards the future with a freedom we can only imagine.

The impact she left on people was clear from the stories told at her funeral. I can only hope to do as well a job myself.

Grandma

My grandmother passed away last night.
It's not like we weren't expecting it. On Sunday when I got home, she was severely dehydrated. We would have taken her to the ER right then but we had a doctor's appt the next morning so we waited. The next day her doc did an EKG and then admitted her to the hospital to give IV fluids and food, etc. She was having so much trouble swallowing that she couldn't take in enough food/supplements to right the wrong, so to speak. Her body was truly failing her. We also discovered that she had breast and most likely bone marrow cancer, causing her platelets, red blood cells, and white blood cell counts to be incredibly low... loosely translated that leads to bruising/blood loss, anemia and decreased oxygen availability, and infections respectively- all of which she was suffering from.

We put her on hospice and that was a fantastic experience, I'm surprised to say. The nurses were wonderful, they got everything we needed to us ON THANKSGIVING to make sure that we were taken care of when there were no real docs available. They helped my mom out immeasurably.

It's interesting to think about grandma's life. The changes she's seen - technology from the 20's to now, her family grow and grow- from 5 kids to 7 grand-kids to several great-grandchildren. The changes in human rights, women's rights, multiple wars, her son being drafted, the death of her husband, of her friends. She helped grandpa build their own home- how many people can say that now? She was the ultimate care-giver, taking care of my great-grandmother, great aunt and a few others for years when they were elderly, my aunt when she was injured, Bruce when he needed her. Huge breakfasts, Farkel around the dinner table... she even put up with a million gerbils. She watched the river she loved and built her life on become a polluted, filthy nastiness and the city they settled in become a ghetto. I feel like I should be taking pictures of the world around me- noting the important events, the cultural norms. The family relationships. I wanted more than anything to collect stories from our family, but that failed miserably... mom was the only person to even respond... with anything, let alone a story. I want to be able to tell my kids about my family- since I'm not sure when I'll get to have them and who will still be around. It's funny how true the cliche statement is that when you're young, you can't wait for time to fly by and when you're old, you can't seem to stop it.

My biggest fear is that once all of this is over, and mom is alone again, it will hit her like a train head-on. Which will happen. Both of us are kind of like that... me especially. Great at seeming normal, seeming ok- keeping busy while everyone is around. Then losing it when alone. Then again, for me- that's the only time I feel comfortable grieving.

I also worry about Brudy. Grandma was his stability, his adoptive parent. And as he and I are in the same predicament here- the only grandparent we have left, on the only side of the family that we have has just passed on. Family has always been one of my biggest fears- losing them, that is. It's amazing how a set of people- with really the only thing tying them being blood- can come together, stay aligned for life, and be so much to each other. I love how much that means to me in so many ways. To reach out and affect someone so strongly, to have my heart go out for them and to feel so comfortable and at peace with them. I truly love my family. I always grew up around more friends- friends were my day-to-day family for most of my life. The ones that have stuck with me have the same feel to them, the same peace. If it weren't for these people, arranged sporadically throughout my life, I'm not sure I'd feel the same about everything.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm so stuck in Lubbock that I can't be there for mom. So please call her, make sure she knows she's supported. This medical school thing is really cramping my style right now.

Neuro & Chicago

We're finally done with Neuro and starting Systemic Pathology. In recognition of how AWFUL Neuro was, I went on vacation to Chicago.

I ended up having a lot of stress in Neuro- it was actually the first time I've experienced true test anxiety. Now, most of my peers would scoff at this. We've taken tests to get into medical school, to make it to second year, to have gotten this far. But- I have to say that most of those tests have not caused me to feel anxious. I'm not sure if I just didnt feel prepared or what but needless to say, it wasn't pleasant. I ended up doing pretty well- and I'm happy to say that it is completely over and I'm into the next step in Year 2 of medical school.

In celebration of Neuro ending, I went to go visit my dear friend Liz. I've known Lizzy since 3rd grade. We were lucky enough to have each other through the long after school hours of our mom's both being elementary school teachers, years of Tae Kwon Do class and tournaments, growing apart in high school, then finding each other to be great friends again during college. I've literally known Liz for most of my life (and I consider this a good thing :)). She recently moved to Chicago for graduate school- she's so strong/intelligent... I look up to her a great deal. Not only did I get to see her, I was able to get a glimpse into her life- her friends, her home, etc. To compare the Liz from 3rd grade to the Liz of now is just a fun memory exercise, as well as an interesting look into the human ability to grow. Basically, I loves her.

I also loved Chicago. It was a big culture shock going from Lubbock to Chicago... flat, dry, and brown to city parks, 40+ story buildings, and - my personal favorite - public transit!
The first night was spent with friends celebrating my favorite holiday, Halloween. Between the apple cider, pumpkin beer, jack-o-lantern carving, and toasted pumpkin seeds... I was in heaven (the company was great as well!).

Liz and I spent some quality time on Sunday- shopping in Wicker Park... a very Austiny part of Chicago. We went to bookstores, clothes shopping, Indian food for dinner, and a healthy dose of street art! We also went to the "Not a Spy" shop, I bought new boots, and we thoroughly enjoyed walking around pretty much everywhere, something that rarely happens in TX. I miss big city.

On Monday I was on my own... I started the morning with an amazing cup of coffee and a stroll through the well known Lincoln Park! Liz lives about a block from the actual park- so I was able so spend some time going to the conservatory, the zoo (polar bears and jaguars!!), and walking around the park. Some of Liz's friends- two wonderful people- came to pick me up and go to Millenium Park (the shiny thing!) and The Art Institute of Chicago. Let's just say, I've officially seen Monet and Van Gogh - and it was AMAZING. Highly recommend. We met up with Liz and her man Steve to do walk down the Chicago riverwalk, to see a giant Marilyn Monroe, and a building studded with stones from around the world- Notre Dame, The Great Wall, The Alamo! It was quite fantastic.

On my last day there- I had a decision to make- Planetarium or Aquarium. For those of you who know me well, this was a VERY tough decision for me... I ended up going to the Aquarium (surprise!) and saw beluga wales and dolphins and it was a lovely aquarium! As per my usual, I still love aquariums. I got to touch a starfish... me and the other 6 year olds.

Anyways- it was a great trip. I love Chicago. I took public transit from the airport to Liz's. Loved it.

Back to Lubbock:
-The Public Health Dept will not be split up- this was a big win for us- but they challenged us to find funding/a new building/and a few other vital things to the PHD's unity. I personally don't think it's our job, but if we dont- it wont get done. So- we're going to keep working with the City Council to attempt to maintain what we've won thus far. Score!
-Systems has started- I got sick for a full week. I was a witch for Halloween for the Pediatric unit carnival... this ended in me catching Viral Gastroenteritis from one of the kids. This = me sick for 24 hours and then 3 days of sleeping on my couch. Rescheduled my test... then got sick the night before retaking the test that I rescheduled because I was sick. Ugh. I ended up just taking it and did fine. I so rarely get sick... this is a look into my new life. Constant exposure to pathogens. Time to get my immune system in high gear!


Happy note - I LEAVE FOR NEW ORLEANS tomorrow morning for medical student section of American Medical Association... I'm VP of Texas Medical Association and AMA so we're going to vote on resolutions that other students have put together for AMA to pick up as lobbying positions. And- we're staying an extra day to explore New Orleans a little bit... wish I could stay there longer also. I'm in the mood to travel. Too bad I'm poor.

Photos, Public Health, & More

This year has truly been a crazy few months. In all honestly, it feels like a year for me- even thought we started in August and it's only October!
First- as those of you who know my love of Halloween could already expect, I've started decorating already (it started in September actually). I actually scared the poo out of myself yesterday- I was cleaning and closed the closet forcefully (unintentionally) and it set off my motion-sensitive ghost which makes creepy ghost noises and shakes his arms. I have him hanging above eye level off one of my AC vents and out of sight/out of mind- basically, I scared myself good! I consider this mandatory prep work for my Chicago trip to see Lizzy! I'm quite excited as up North people apparently are far more interested in Halloween than the majority of the South. I always feel like I'm crazy when I tell people here that I think cemeteries are pretty or that Halloween is my favorite- they just stare at me like I said I eat brussel sprouts every day- the phrase "Really??" in their eyes. But I think I'll fit in just fine with all the crazy Halloween lovers up north! Yay! Excited and pictures to come.
I've kept myself quite busy- like that's a surprise to anyone. First- school. We're in Neuro right now- which definitely is my area so thankfully I'm not as stressed out as most everyone else (but that's also the norm I feel like...). I'm loving Neuro but I dont think I'm interested in specializing in it. Honestly, it's one of the medical jobs where your patients just don't get that much better - ever. You work with traumatic brain injury patients, or patients with Alzheimers/dementia- patient's whose disorders are progressive or relatively permanent. I am thankful there are other doctors/student-doctors for whom that area is there passion... I just dont think that's me. In all honestly, I'm still leaning towards emergency medicine. In fact, I'm leaning more and more towards Family Medicine in a small town with ER work moonlighting (met a few docs here in Lubbock that do this). But- I've got time to decide. And the best thing about medicine is that if I'm willing/able to take a pay cut, I can go back to a different residency and go into something else later in life if I burn out. I think I made a post about this before- but moving to Lubbock taught me a big lesson in life, which is that I can make huge changes to my life (like uprooting after three years, leave my friends and family, start something completely new) and still be myself, still be happy, and still feel stable. I had a much more romantic explanation for it before- so maybe read that post instead- but basically, I want to keep in mind that I'm never cornered in life- I'm never stuck. If something is wrong, I can change it.
Next!
Went to Dallas recently and got to see some friends... I think it's crazy how good kids are at computers... they can outperform me on my phone, use a computer by age 2, and still have social skills :) love it

I'm also now on this committee to keep the Lubbock Public Health Dept's immunization, STD testing and treatment, and surveillance services in one location - the city, in an attempt to save money, is fracturing the public health department. they've moved a bunch of services to buildings all over town- which for the most part may not hinder anything. The problem is the actual clinic services. They're trying to sub-contract state grants out to local organizations to take over these services- but there are just so many problems with that. In the end, a big group of doctors is fighting against this because we fear that the change will lead to decreased accessibility, increased cost, increased wait time, and in the end- decreased population health and increased infectious disease in the area. We have a bunch of data to support it (for example, in NYC, they found that even a 5$ increase in the price of vaccinations led to a 57% decreases in services rendered. the organizations applying for the grants have already told us they'll be raising prices more than that). Anyways- it's been really interesting- very grassroots organization. I've met the entire Lubbock City Council, met multiple high level docs in the area, the entire Lubbock Board of Health- it's really been eye-opening. Politics, city functioning, the effects of public health scares (in the midst of all of this- we had a Hepatitis A outbreak at Cheddars Restaurant- 7700 people exposed- that had to be handled by the practically dismantled Public Health Dept). I'll let you know how it turns out.
Another cool thing- as most of you know, I'm very interested in Global Health. After coming back from Nicaragua, the person who runs our Office of International Affairs put on a photo exhibit called Beyond Borders, Beyond Measure- to show off the photos taken by Health Science Center students who went overseas... and to sell them in order to raise money for a scholarship they give out for student wanting to go on international mission trips. I had two photos in the exhibit and both sold very quickly! I even had people give me their cards so they could see a few of my other photos to buy... really, it was so exciting. I love art and for other people to love my art also, makes me very happy!

Another thing I get to look forward too- I'm going to the American Medical Association meeting in November... and it's in New Orleans! My flight is totally free and I'm super excited! We're staying a few extra days and plan on doing a series of fun things- and it's right before my birthday!! So happy birthday to me :) To go back to being weird- I'm making the group do a cemetery tour in a city that has some of the most beautiful cemeteries in the nation- I'm super excited!

I also got to go see La Boheme for the first time at the Amarillo opera center- the Globe News Center- it was beautiful!


one more thing- ATTENTION FAMILY MEMBERS!!!- I've been trying to collect stories from my family- to get to know my dad better, to keep fun stories from the family (5 kids!?!?! there have to be good stories there...) alive and circulating through the family- and just to hear how my family's lives were in various times during history. So far, only Kay has sent me anything but- it's been absolutely fascinating to me. Stories about my dad as a kid, about the grandparents I never really knew, about businesses I didnt know we had started, and about childhood injuries :) It's really just been wonderful to read- so please please please- if you read this far, please send me stories. If you can date them in any way, I'll try and put them in order and send them to everyone. Tell me about people's personalities, the funniest/saddest/scariest/most interesting/most stand-out memories that you have. That's another life story that I learned the hard way- you always want to know more about the people you love/that raised you/etc- and you only think of the really interesting questions later- sometimes too late. So- tell me about you, the personalities of my great grandparents, fun stories, I just dont even care- just write something down and send it to me! I love reading it.

Ok- love everybody....