Update on Brooke

Yet again Brooke has proved how resilient the human body and mind can be.

Her diagnosis ended up being pneumonia. No need for surgery- thank goodness. They extubated her on monday (two weeks ago) and within minutes she was coughing up... well, the stuff that needed to come up. Turns out, after undergoing 4 surgeries in two weeks, her throat was so sore that she didn't WANT to cough- so it settled in her lungs and turned into pneumonia. Now, two weeks later- she's doing perfectly. A few days ago they scoped her and Dr. McClay said that her vocal chords look "perfect". I'm not sure he's ever said that to us. Talk about relief. Thank God for small blessings amid absolute chaos. Since they did have to laser her vocal chords a little, her voice is very weak- she sounds like she's whispering all the time. But you can understand her perfectly most times and they say with time she should adapt around that and just have a soft talking voice. I can't believe how you go from such turmoil to peace so quickly, but in two weeks we went from watching Brooke practically dying to being assured that everything is perfectly fine. Wow.

On a different note, I finally asked for a raise. I didn't get what I want- due to a hiring glitch, I am paid through the university instead of through Dan's grant so- I have to just get 'pooled' raises with all the casual labor employees until December when our next grant comes through and he can put my name on that. He's assured me that my pay will greatly increase when that happens- and thank goodness I work for someone like Dan because I know I can believe him. In the meantime, I get a 5% increase starting Sept 1st. Not much but, I guess every penny helps.

I start my MCAT class on 9/27... I guess from that point on I'll be saving quite a bit of money... that whole- not going anywhere or doing anything because I'm studying thing kind of helps with that. Oh- speaking of class, Dan's letting me sit in on his clinical psych PhD class that he teaches... I'm really excited about that and he's a great teacher. yay :) I'm such a nerd, I'm happy about taking a class that I dont get credit for! woohoo!

the end for now.

Brooke Lynn

My god-baby has been in the hospital since last thursday... I swear, I hope I never end up in a hospital for any reason. I know I want to work in one... but I'd rather do ER than be in an extended care position. Some doctors & nurses are awesome, some are so horrible it makes you want to call 911 from inside the hospital. Katie almost did. She was so scared for Brooke's life. Brooke was in respiratory distress for mroe than three hours with dr's and nurses swearing there was nothing else they could do and Katie screaming for help. All it took was the shift change. The new charge nurse came in, called ICU, had new dr's in that room within 10 minutes, and within 30 Brooke was in ICU where people were at least trying to do something. She ended up on a ventilator, sedated to allow her body to rest after the hours of struggling so hard to breathe. They told Katie she must feel like she's just run 10 miles. She'll be 4 next month.

I've never wanted to hurt someone so badly. No child should have to under go that.

the worst part- that's not even it. While she was supposed to be sedated and resting, they weren't making sure that she didn't wake up- so she'd wake up and start to freak out because she's ventilated, has 4 different IVs, and is restrained to the bed. We actually had one nurse tell us "well, she's not really that agitated. it's ok if she wakes up". NO. No its not. her windpipe is trying to heal and you want someone with an additional tube down there to be able to wake up and start crying and trying to talk while ventilated?? no.

No to mention the IV that blew and caused internal chemical burns in her arm.

I dont know how Katie handles all of this.

Anyways- the whole point is- please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She's doing much better- after they extubated her she started being able to cough up the pneumonia. Now she's just really, incredibly weak. When she reaches for her new Sleeping Beauty toy, her hands shake so bad that she ends up knocking them over. It kills me.

Other than that- Mom finally started calling people to do the things around the house that I've been begging her to do. The city is going to come out and look at that pipe that's erroding our land away and hopefully they'll fix it. she's going to call and get a few good names for home levelers and a structural engineer. Maybe even an AC guy but she's not sure that she want's to take the last HVAC guy's advice (even though our bill is outrageous). ugh.

Oh, and i start my MCAT class next month and Gina is moving to Amarillo.

Oddly enough, I dont feel that stressed. Hmm. Maybe it will hit me later? We'll see.

i have a date.

I was asked out on a date. monday. a lunch date. 2nd date in... oh for goodness sake... 4+ years. that's pathetic. yet somehow, i know that before, before recently that is, i wasn't ready to let anyone in and there wasn't the right person around. not that this guy is the right one for me- but at least i'm much more open to the opportunity. it feels weird- i'm so used to being closed to things like this... i almost feel like i'm faking it.


but as my friend malika says... fake it till you make it dear.


it's funny to me how my emotional state towards certain things in my life recently has changed. people that were so important to me... people that dominated my life... are suddenly- not as important. my heart feels different. i feel stronger and yet more vulnerable to attack- something i hate.

oh, and thanks to the before mentioned crazy coincidences, i decided to go ahead and buy more personal training. i mean, it can't hurt. oh boy. what have i gotten myself into. i hate getting up early, let alone having ryan following me around making me sore. just what i need to start a new day... ha.

Coincidences?

I had two very strange coincidences today. The kind of thing you can't ignore- because they so rarely happen and I had two on one day. Pay Attention Me.

1. I had a crazy dream last night. In it was a person that I met a while back but who I haven't seen since. We're talking at least a month has passed. So last night I have this crazy dream about her. I wont go further with that, but it was definitely her. And this morning who do I run into?? Smack into. And of course there's me all strange about it... "I had a dream about you last night..." (never say this to someone). Luckily she took it well and didn't ask me too much about it. But come on. What are the odds.

2. My mom asked me this morning if I wanted to do some personal training again. I told her I enjoyed it but I didn't want something that expensive from her- yada yada, no. Got to work... within 2 hours guess who called me. My old personal trainer. Asks how I'm doing. (this is after the dream-girl situation). So basically I'm kinda just staring at my phone, bewildered, thinking... "whoa.".

So I'm taking it as a sign and I'm going to go do more personal training. As for the girl, maybe she'll get the job and we'll become great friends. At least this way no one can ever tell me that I don't listen to the universe... or whoever.

Pictures of Boston/Austin

These apparently loaded in no specific order- and I'm too busy to move them...

the sky the day before Jess got married...

Two of my favorite Jon/John's.

The group of awesomeness at the Rehearsal dinner

At Galaxy Cafe in ATX

The vows...

A gorgeous church blocks from Harvard in Boston.

My new favorite hat that I should have bought but didnt.

Lauuuuura!
The happy couple "helping" us get ready for their wedding ;)

Jon

Paul Revere's statue- right around the corner from the old north church where he hung the lanterns to signal that the british were coming... oddly enough, the church in the picture is NOT the old north church. it was just pretty.
On the USS constitution. Laura is showing us how its done.
Democrat Donkey likes me.
At the house- beautiful couple.
Drama Queen.

Went to Boston, Went to Austin

So- for the fourth of July this year, I went to Boston to visit my sweet friend Laura (see below :)). It was the most fantastic thing ever- even if there were 500,000 or more other tourists in the city.



Let me preface this by saying- I love history. I find it so incredibly interesting. but i CANNOT keep it in my brain. dates, times, causes of war, etc... somehow they just dont stick. Ask me about NMDA receptors in the brain or proprioception... but god almighty don't ask me about history. Even with this amazing personal defecit, i love history and this trip was steeped in it.



I stood where the boston massacre occured. I sat in the church (old north church) where paul revere hung the lanterns to signal that the british were coming. I took a tour of old ironsides (u.s.s. constitution). I walked so much that the bottom of my feet were bruise (not a joke). I went to Harvard and touched the lucky toe of the Harvard statue...
And of course the beautiful Boston Commons and Public Gardens... gorgeous- but not as fantastic as SF. Sorry- still my favorite. ps- thats george w and his horse.There are such beautiful churches in the new england area and while I personally don't go to church- I find the human obsession with church incredibly fascinating. I love walking through old churches and seeing the vast amounts of money humans put into this idea of a place of worship. as if you have to go somewhere special to truly worship god. interesting and beautiful (and heartbreaking) all at the same time.


We also did non-history stuff- like watch the fireworks from the rooftop of Jon's (laura's jon) lawschool building and go to the aquarium (always my favorite). The only things I wish I could have done are a whale watching tour and a more in depth freedom trail walk where I actually get to take the tours of each stop. the lines were just so long over that weekend that I would have missed everything if we hadn't just read from the tour guide, taken a picture, and moved on. I did get some fantastic photos with the Democrat Donkey outside the old city hall... good stuff.



The next weekend I went to Austin to visit Jon (skates-jon) and go to his little sisters wedding. Wednesday I actually got to go to 'game night' at Liz's new place- fantastic- yet never came to be until I had already moved to Dallas. Pictionary. a brilliant game I must say. I really should start that up here. I wonder who would come?.... Anyways- i had a blast :)



Thursday was spent running errands with J, Friday was a day of manual labor to prepare for the wedding, and Saturday.... awesome breakfast with my 'wish my family was like that' family (ie, jon's fam) and then the bride rushing around to do hair, makeup, pre-wedding photos... then the wedding. Jess was gorgeous- I would have liked to see Nick cry but... eh. The reception was full of dancing and fun but what sticks out to me the most was the bride and groom chowing down on the bbq (photo to come). odd moment to remember but...



Sophia is absolutely gorgeous. one of my favorite babies by far (don't tell Brook). the fam on both sides was amazing and I got so many compliments from them it was insane. That's probably because when it came to taking down the wedding stuff, we were rocking it. between John (skates-jon's god-father), David (skates-jon's dad), and myself- we had the manual labor stuff done in record breaking time. the ladies (obviously not me) took care of the food stuff and in about 1/4 of the time everything took to put up, it was all done. My knees and hands are still bruised, i have a cut on my back that I can't identify, and somehow i have paint in my hair. not sure about that last one. whatev.



now its back to work. I find myself feeling like i'm just treading water. I know that this is the best thing for me- but I wish I was learning something new right now. I wish I felt like I were progressing towards my goal. I wish I were in FREAKING MEDICAL SCHOOL before I go crazy from not doing what I want to be doing. ugh. frustration and agitation are setting in. at least I start those classes soon- then I can actually do something productive. to be honest, i'm doing good things here at the center, I just feel so... deflated right now. yeah, deflated. thats a great word for it.

Your Ex-Lover is Dead.

so someone close to me inadvertently introduced me to this song and I can't help but think of shane when I hear the lyrics (beautiful and hits close to home, btw).

What really hits me when I think of Shane is not a doubt of the institution of love, or the fact that I haven't loved anyone since. It's more than that. It's the absolute doubt that I'll ever let anyone love me again. There are good people everywhere- really, there are (and the opposite of course, fair share of those around. ha.). But somehow, the guys I start dating end up being one of those good guys- good to their friends, family, love animals, ambitious and well schooled- but when it comes to me... it's almost as if-- I end up not mattering. I feel like I never let myself become important to them. I push the buttons that I know push them away- because really, I'm not sure I want to share myself with someone. Well, I know I do, and yet...

Some of it is fear- just the plain and simple fear of being rejected by someone I truly want to love me. But theres more. I'd say one of the biggest is knowing that no matter who I end up with, they'll never have known my dad- which seems strange to me because he would hate thinking that something that included him was holding me back in anyway. Another is the fact that I always fall for friends who don't think of me that way- except in the shane case. I always seem to like the wrong one. There's another song by Stars- Elevator love songs... the lyrics- "my eyes cast low and i dont know how to love...". I feel like that's true- I know how to care for people and I know how to comfort- I may even know how to love someone else- it's the letting them love me that seems really hard for me.

Anyways, Shane is getting married in two weeks and I'm the "best man". And I'm not upset about it at all. I'm more upset that I haven't found anyone- at all- not just the one. I feel like- I'm a good person, really. I have a good job, good ambitions, good ideas. It's funny how amazing a person can be and still feel empty sometimes. But a weird empty- the kind of empty where you know you have a full life, but there's a whole somewhere that you can't quite identify, let alone fill. I dont know- rereading- all of this sounds really down and depressing- but I'm not either- more like full of self-scrutiny.


Basically- I really like the band stars too.

Weird Things...

So the weird guy that my mom and her blah of an ex tried to set me up with- still will not leave me alone. not once did I ever call this guy. not once have I talked to him on the phone. We spoke for 15 minutes in DECEMBER about how to play a board game- and he STILL won't stop contacting me even though I've told him I dont want to see him. he wrote me this weird email over myspace (oh the joy.) about how he guesses we're just not even going to try and how the blame for that lies in the person ignoring the other person, blah blah blah. All I can think at this point is- you're so crazy, its scary. this is not a guy out on a limb. this is a guy sawing down the tree next to my house in order to have something that's mine. freaky.

then, the guy at work- no, not the one who only wanted to take me on a date in order to get some- the guy i thought was just a cool guy. he emails me (what ever happened to hearing someone's fucking voice? why can't people just TALK to each other??) with the strangest email in the world. I sent him the location and time of a band that was playing and said- come on out if you want. he emails me back with 'on the planet of friends, in the friend hemisphere, in the nation state of friends, I just wanted to make sure that the friendship we've friendidly built remains friendly. and friendly only.'

i'm like- if you didn't like reggae you should have just said so. guys are so full of themselves. yes, obviously the only reason a girl at work would invite you (and 10 other people from work) to a local concert is because she's madly in love with you. good grief.

this stuff never happens to me- like literally never. I dont have boy drama. I've never had boy drama. maybe this is the reason why there are so many shows like this. unfortunately, i'm more of the- what are you talking about dude- type of girl.

strange.

speaking of local bands, i'm so proud of Bruce. every time I think of it i just get so excited about it. I just can't even... I'm so happy for him.

Brooke is going in for surgery on june 19th- a little plastic surgery for scarring, a little balloon inflation to enlarge the airway, a little removal of a possible obstruction- you know, things a 3 and half year old should never have to think about.

anyways- here's some pictures...

My work photo. this is me in front of one of our ridiculously expensive and unnecessary pieces of artwork. yay.

Artie's (blue shirt on left) going away party. I really do miss that guy...

Did I mention that I adopted two kittens from gina? Well here are the two little shits now (aren't they cute :))

Brooke Lynn and I- the cutest god-baby in the whole world.

My girls- Gina and Ruth... we're at La Bares. Enough said.

Doing well...

So- another brief, cram-packed update.

My car was totaled on the way to work on Jan. 11th, 2008. Happy New year.
I bought a new car- a honda 2003 accord, coupe, charcoal grey with a black interior.... basically the exact same car except in grey and 6 years newer. Its nice and I love it. But I do miss my old car- what a beauty.

I have adopted two kittens. They are a joy to have around- except in the middle of the night when they bite your nose, attack each other while using your body as a mountain, or dig their cute little claws into your skin to get to the other side of the bed. yeah, everything but that.

I have a date coming up. I think the guy is making way too big of a deal out of it and it's kinda worrying me. but i havent had a date in how many years? so i might as well go on it. free dinner at least and who knows- maybe I'll even like the guy.

The job is great- love my boss and co-workers. how many people can say that? I've basically decided what I'm goign to do with my future too- so that's nice.
Here's my plan:
1.Start studying for my MCAT by the end of February.
2.Take MCAT by the end of the year.
3. Apply for medical school for the August 2010 school year.
4. Get accepted because I'm just that damn awesome.
5. After acceptance, apply to the navy and have my brother write my contract.
6.Have the US govt pay for my medical school, pay me to go to medical school, and come out with no debt, no malpractice insurance, and a guaranteed job for 5 years with some of the best experience possible.

So yeah- thats it. I'll put up some pictures later....

It's been a while....

Since I had the time to write a post.

Started my new job. So far so good, except I dont get paid until Jan 1st, I have to pay into mandatory retirement and my first check will be pro-rated. Talk about bursting my bubble. But on a happier note- I made some new friends. They seem cool- again, unfortunately they are all couples. Everyone at work is either female or taken. Oh boy. I'm going to be single forever.

On a MUCH happier note, I've officially lost 25 pounds thanks to the meds I've been taking and my liver stuff is on its way to a better place. All good news, except that none of my clothes fit and I'm too poor to buy new ones.

I miss Austin more than I can say. Jon is now officially in Charleston, SC and calls every other day or so. I think he just misses being around people he knows- but it sure makes it hard because I know there's going to be a point when he's too busy to call and I'm getting spoiled with all of this calling. It sucks when a person you care for is so far away. I can't imagine being in his shoes- where EVERYONE you care for is so far away...


Since I last wrote on this wonderful blog, I've finished school, moved to dallas, gone to DC, Pensacola, FL, and Big Bend, started afore mentioned job, and completely lost my mind. oh wait...
Ok, I'm off to the gym- because I work out at a ridiculous time in the mornings now. yay! but its fun, I like it, and I can see the effects of it for once in my life. So- i'm sticking with it.



Soooo... consider yourselves updated.

Wide Open Spaces

So there are hundreds of things that I love about Austin. Here's a selection:

Happy Hour at Trudy's by Campus...
Ohh... real smiles are always the best :)


Charlie's a good friend- yay for there being at least one other single person in the group.


my oldest buddy, liz

(dont hate me for the close up :))

Tim and Liz. He's just so comfortable when he's around her...


Mount Bonnell. Hands Down one of my favorite things here in Austin. Somehow I learned about this place freshman year and started going when I needed to let go. I utilize the dog park more now, but it still holds that magical feeling for me...






This week has gone by so fast, just like the last. It seems like my time here is just rushing by me and I can't do anything about it. But this is a subject I have thoroughly exhausted.

Here's another topic- one that has recently come up from multiple people. I dont know how I do it, but somehow I attract people to me who- by one design or another- completely forfeit contact with me for an extended period of time, then randomly call me out of the blue.
Example #1: Strongarms John. In fact, if we hadn't accidentally had a class together I dont think we'd still be friends.
Example #2: Cindy. For someone who claimed I was the only person who ever got her, she sure doesnt answer the phone when I call- or call back. Just randomly today she text messages me and asks when I'm moving back to Dallas, she needs a roommate. I'm like- WHA? are you kidding me?

There are more- I just can't think of it right now- but here's my question: what is it about the people I attract to me/me that makes that ok? I mean- reliability is a key characteristic that I cherish in friendships, and yet- I dont seem to get it from my... lets call them satellite friends= not my closest friends, but those that are at one time or another good friends. I guess my real question is - why am I... expendable?... to these people? Why is it that someone can walk away from me and not look back for a good 6 months to a year when suddenly they're overwhelmed with the need to talk to me, their bestest best buddy. (people that do not know me well are excluded from this group- i mean, we are in college and I do not expect people I just met to force correspondence when they do not know me)

Anyways- I need to go to bed. I hope everyone is well!

Oh yeah....

Pictures from tonight :) Harry Potter #5

Waiting in line... thanks for getting there in time Dez :)


You're a weirdo.


I punch you. In ze face.


Gang's all here!!


Cedric Diggory in the hizzouse!


Charlie and I

Not My Ugly Side...

I didn't know I was going to feel like this. I knew that I loved this city- I guess I just never knew that I thrive off of it. The closer it comes time to moving back to Dallas, the more I feel like I'm leaving my home- a place I adore. a place where I have habits and favorites and memories that mean so much to me. I feel like I'm facing that moment in life where you know things are going to drastically change but you dont know if it's for better or worse. I feel like... I'm losing something. And yet, I know- realistically- it wouldn't be quite the same. Lots of my friends are graduating and leaving- but lots are staying, too.

Going to Harry Potter tonight was great. So was dinner with Darrell at Chili's. So was Bull Creek with Sara. So was Clementine with Brent. The summers that Laura, Jon, and I spent swimming at Red Bud. The best job I've ever had. The place where I really found out who I am. The farmer's market. UT. Driving around freshman year and finding deer running wild in the hills. Having Gabby come over and make me cook for her. Discovering my love of 80's music. The artsy feel. The liberal feel. The idealistic feel- the feel that people here still believe they can make a difference. When I look back at everything I've felt love towards in the past 4 years- 95% of it is all here. Just typing about it right now makes me feel like I'm going to cry.
I know there are good things about Dallas. I mean, there have to be- right? Just because the last year I spent (before college) there was the worst year of my life- doesn't mean its going to be horrible.

I can find good things. Somebody help me out- name good things about Dallas. Things I'll like. Anything. Really.

no matter the sex, I'm gonna name her rock and roll...

So I have a few plans in the works. I'll make a list that way I can keep them straight in my head.

1. When I finally get moved back to Dallas, I'm going to try and get a job with Nancy's dad at Quest Diagnostics- that way I'll have a lab position and I won't have to pay for EMT classes. But EMT classes are my back up with some menial job doing something I don't like but have to do for money.

2. I found someone in Dallas who gives Italian lessons... and I want to take them. She eve said that since I wanted to go to med school, she'd add a section on medical terminology. I think that's perfect. I also want to re-learn my Spanish.

3. Next year, maybe in May- assuming Jon and Laura do move to Boston this year- I will be going to Boston, MA to visit them. I've never been to Boston- or anywhere on the East Coast except for DC- so I'll hopefully get to experience Boston and the surrounding area. I'll enjoy that.

4. In two years- sometime in 2009 before I go to medical school, I want to go to Europe and Egypt. My mom wants to go as well and has agreed to help fund- and Nancy wants to guide us around Egypt. We have friends and family in Germany and there are so many places I would love to go. Mom can show me Italy, I'll show her northern Germany and together we will explore places like Barcelona, Paris (I can always go again :)), Prague, London, Cairo, Athens, etc.

That's all I can remember at the moment so... I'll let it be as is. Honestly, having goals like these actually helps me save money. It might also be that I'm starting to feel like a grown up, but I prefer to think that it's only because every time I go to spend money, I think of going to Europe and I change my mind. Let's hope that sticks with me for a while- I have student loans to pay back after all.

who needs shelter from the sun...

Today was one of the most beautiful days I've had in a while... actually, today was possibly better than any other day I've had this summer.

Sara and I went to Bull Creek dog park-

and it was the most beautiful thing. Since Red Bud is still completely underwater, I haven't been out in nature like I usually do in the summer. In fact, I honestly think that has a lot to do with why I've been so incredibly restless. Lately, I just couldn't get a grip on myself. I just wanted to pack up and leave- and not just go back to Dallas but actually leave- go to a city I've never been, spend time somewhere new, meet new people, try new things... luckily I feel a little better after today- it's funny how the little things can calm your soul.

So- back to today- we went to the dog park. I honestly thought we would just stay for a little while, let the dogs play. No. We were there for HOURS and we went swimming- even though I didnt bring a bathing suit :) I went in fully clothed and it was wonderful.
My favorite part was when we went down to where the rapids were. I wedged myself by a rock and just let the water pour over me. It was like being touched all over. Here's my theory: I've been single forever and because of this- I'm actually not touched as much as some. I know this sounds weird- but I know people need to be touched- not sensually or erotically- just simply touched. The water today- rushing over me- I swear I started to feel better just sitting there.
Of course, I do love the water so that might have had something to do with it, too. It was just such a great experience today. The dogs had a blast and Sara and I had a great time- splashing and playing. It was fun. oh- but i got a horrible sunburn. damn white skin.

Then, to add to my wonderful day, Darrell and I went out to eat at Chili's and I don't think I've laughed that much at a meal in a long time. The waiter was great and I really got to enjoy Darrell's company. Now, the laughing might have had something to do with the fact that I had a rather large margarita- but I really was just in a great mood and I had a great time. I'm gonna miss this.

Leaving this city breaks my heart. I love it here. I love the farmers market, my friends, the amazing parks, the liberal feel, the fact that people are so health conscious and politically active... I mean- it's just amazing here. I honestly think I will cry the day I have to leave this place. Hopefully I'll find my groove in Dallas again. I'm honestly just afraid that I'll regress and turn back into someone that I left in Dallas years ago. ugh.

So.

I bought a new camera- here are some of my favorite pics






Another thing- i have a friend who is spending the summer guiding river rafting tours. He has all of these pics up where they're climbing mountains, camping, river rafting- and I realized... everyone else is living in my dreamland while I'm stuck- awake and miserable- in reality. I KNEW I should have talked myself into accepting drug use. Damn my good morals.